Apologies for not including this in the initial send, but this should have a TW for death. I hope I haven’t caused anyone distress in reading this. My nephews are such big boys. I mean, they’re physically diminutive at 9 and 11, the spawns of my 4’10 sister. But colossal in ability to smile and give each other dead arms and learn the trumpet and go fishing and cheat at Candyland through the pain of what they’ve seen. And they’ve seen a lot. More than I have and more than I will, of that I am certain.
“But death has made a child of me.” I had to pause. I haven’t been able to describe this feeling but it’s exactly this. I have to take on the role of the eldest daughter, but all I want is to go back to being a child. I’m hyper responsible but my room’s always a mess and I procrastinate the important things. Thank you so much for writing this and I’m so sorry for your losses 🤍
I don’t even have the words. I listened to this as Myles played with his blocks and just felt immense grief and gratitude. I wish boys never had to be big boys. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Oh Dia. So much you've had to carry. Reading this cracked me open, now I'm the one crying. Grief is a raggedy bitch.
I know all too well the pain that your nephews have been forced to carry. The silence, the stares off to the side, the lack of tears, the memories of the last gasps of air, here then gone, sights that no child should have to witness then remember for the rest of their lives. Your nephews have the second best thing to their parents: grandparents that love and care for them and an amazingly fierce aunt to walk them through the bends. Knowing that they are loved will carry them through so much, in ways they won't know until much later in life. Though it will never relieve the burdensome weight of their loss, you all are bridges that will protect them through the worst of it.
I’m always here if you ever need an ear from someone that has endured a similar childhood. ❤️🔥
Oh Dia. Beautiful piece. Your comments of people expectant of just getting over death etc to my internally hyperinspected brain and heart say they are the ones with problems. One part of any life that is missing is a hole. Empty and void. It can not be ignored or filed truthfully. We learn to live with that space. Dia your beautiful life is holy as well as holey. You are choosing strong tools to help you move forward. I send love. I send comfort. I send hope.
I can not fathom the depths of pain they are going through. No child should have to deal with something like this, but unfortunately, life doesn't always go the way we hope it does. It doesn't get any easier, and sure, all those cliches about building character and all that shit, but come on. At my age, I've had to deal with a lot of friends passing...it just hurts. My heart breaks whenever I come across something like this.
Your description of your nephews' not diluting the level of love is such a beautiful thing about childhood. You've reminded me of my son when he was younger, turning to me maybe once a months, and saying with absolute honestly and sincerity "Mama, this is the best day EVER!" about going to a fair, or seeing Barney The Purple Dinosaur, or getting ice cream, or anything else cool but definitely not BEST EVER level cool.
So much love to you and your beautiful family. I can't imagine.
This is gutting. I’m so sorry they witness that. It’s a pain that will never leave them but I’m really glad you’re there to provide love and support. That’s valuable and probably more healing than you know. I wish the boys well in their life journeys and big love from some rando.
Grief makes a child of us all. Thank for that clarity. It speaks volumes.
We all come to our apprenticeship in death (unless we die tragically young ourself) but your nephews are getting so much, so early. You writing is beautiful. I hope you all get some - enough - space to move through your feelings.
I always appreciate your writing about grief. I don't really have the space in my brain to write some meaningful response to this piece, but I want you to know that I appreciate it.
Dia, thank you for honoring us with your story and allowing us to see the heartbreaking cracks in 'how it should be' for children. I have typed many comments and none of them fit the gravity of this situation. The humanity, love, caring, and grief are far too big for one small comment. They alter an outsider's perspective of what really matters.
FUCKKK, this was such a tough read, but also so real, so moving, and very heartfelt. I may or may not have tears in my eyes while sneak reading this at work. This piece made me think of that meme that's like, "The grief is never ending, but so is the love." Ughhh I'm sending you and your family all of the hugs and love in the world Dia!!! Your wedding pics are just absolutely gorgeous btw!! <3
One of my close friends went through this -- her Dad (who was also my Mum's partner at the time, so kind-of my step dad) died suddenly, out of the blue. A few years later, she lost her mum to cancer. My parents were so afraid of upsetting us that they tried their hardest to make it seem like everything was okay when it wasn't. I don't know how anyone in the situation coped with it, but part of me wishes that my parents had just talked to me and let me know that everything wasn't normal and it was okay to be sad. Thank you for writing this. Sending love.
I'm just sending so much love your way and to the boys. You are doing your best, being respite and a space for them to just be is a beautiful thing to provide them with. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, for us to lift you all up. Take good care of you too x
“But death has made a child of me.” I had to pause. I haven’t been able to describe this feeling but it’s exactly this. I have to take on the role of the eldest daughter, but all I want is to go back to being a child. I’m hyper responsible but my room’s always a mess and I procrastinate the important things. Thank you so much for writing this and I’m so sorry for your losses 🤍
I don’t even have the words. I listened to this as Myles played with his blocks and just felt immense grief and gratitude. I wish boys never had to be big boys. Thank you for sharing this with us.
“Grief adds a layer to aging.” God. THIS!!!
Oh Dia. So much you've had to carry. Reading this cracked me open, now I'm the one crying. Grief is a raggedy bitch.
I know all too well the pain that your nephews have been forced to carry. The silence, the stares off to the side, the lack of tears, the memories of the last gasps of air, here then gone, sights that no child should have to witness then remember for the rest of their lives. Your nephews have the second best thing to their parents: grandparents that love and care for them and an amazingly fierce aunt to walk them through the bends. Knowing that they are loved will carry them through so much, in ways they won't know until much later in life. Though it will never relieve the burdensome weight of their loss, you all are bridges that will protect them through the worst of it.
I’m always here if you ever need an ear from someone that has endured a similar childhood. ❤️🔥
Oh Dia. Beautiful piece. Your comments of people expectant of just getting over death etc to my internally hyperinspected brain and heart say they are the ones with problems. One part of any life that is missing is a hole. Empty and void. It can not be ignored or filed truthfully. We learn to live with that space. Dia your beautiful life is holy as well as holey. You are choosing strong tools to help you move forward. I send love. I send comfort. I send hope.
I can not fathom the depths of pain they are going through. No child should have to deal with something like this, but unfortunately, life doesn't always go the way we hope it does. It doesn't get any easier, and sure, all those cliches about building character and all that shit, but come on. At my age, I've had to deal with a lot of friends passing...it just hurts. My heart breaks whenever I come across something like this.
Oh Dia, this is agonizing. I'm so so sorry...
Your description of your nephews' not diluting the level of love is such a beautiful thing about childhood. You've reminded me of my son when he was younger, turning to me maybe once a months, and saying with absolute honestly and sincerity "Mama, this is the best day EVER!" about going to a fair, or seeing Barney The Purple Dinosaur, or getting ice cream, or anything else cool but definitely not BEST EVER level cool.
So much love to you and your beautiful family. I can't imagine.
This is gutting. I’m so sorry they witness that. It’s a pain that will never leave them but I’m really glad you’re there to provide love and support. That’s valuable and probably more healing than you know. I wish the boys well in their life journeys and big love from some rando.
Grief makes a child of us all. Thank for that clarity. It speaks volumes.
We all come to our apprenticeship in death (unless we die tragically young ourself) but your nephews are getting so much, so early. You writing is beautiful. I hope you all get some - enough - space to move through your feelings.
Damn Dia. This has me missing my nieces extra fucking hard today. Prayers for you and those precious boys.
“Grief adds a layer to aging” — I’m moved and heartbroken and without words. Thank you for sharing this pain with us.
Those beautiful, little faces 🤍
I always appreciate your writing about grief. I don't really have the space in my brain to write some meaningful response to this piece, but I want you to know that I appreciate it.
Dia, thank you for honoring us with your story and allowing us to see the heartbreaking cracks in 'how it should be' for children. I have typed many comments and none of them fit the gravity of this situation. The humanity, love, caring, and grief are far too big for one small comment. They alter an outsider's perspective of what really matters.
FUCKKK, this was such a tough read, but also so real, so moving, and very heartfelt. I may or may not have tears in my eyes while sneak reading this at work. This piece made me think of that meme that's like, "The grief is never ending, but so is the love." Ughhh I'm sending you and your family all of the hugs and love in the world Dia!!! Your wedding pics are just absolutely gorgeous btw!! <3
One of my close friends went through this -- her Dad (who was also my Mum's partner at the time, so kind-of my step dad) died suddenly, out of the blue. A few years later, she lost her mum to cancer. My parents were so afraid of upsetting us that they tried their hardest to make it seem like everything was okay when it wasn't. I don't know how anyone in the situation coped with it, but part of me wishes that my parents had just talked to me and let me know that everything wasn't normal and it was okay to be sad. Thank you for writing this. Sending love.
I'm just sending so much love your way and to the boys. You are doing your best, being respite and a space for them to just be is a beautiful thing to provide them with. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, for us to lift you all up. Take good care of you too x
Ooof, this was so heavy. Those sweet young boys. I’m thankful they have you and your mother in their lives. Thank you for sharing