Reminds me of something a depth psychologist once told me, a man in a very happy ~20-year marriage: "Oh, each week I break up with my partner-- in my mind, that is."
Breathtaking. As someone who also struggles with PMDD I am all too familiar with the feeling of regularly wanting to burn one’s life to the ground or else find some way to escape it. It’s excruciating, and unfortunately for me birth control is the only way I can feel somewhat normal. I hate having to depend on it, but I am glad that it’s being talked about more, at least. Never even knew there was a specific diagnosis for why I felt this way until a year ago or so.
This line is staying with me: “I mean, how can the thing that keeps me from destroying my life be the same thing I’m craving when I dream of destruction?”
I appreciated this text because I was once stranded for several years in a rural place with the feeling that my life options had all been played out. I was frustrated trying to get an academic book published so I could at last get a tenure track job. As a middle aged man in his early 40s, my life was seemingly incomparable, except that we can all see ourselves more clearly by looking for ourselves in others. I remember all the little paradoxes such as speeding tickets bc I had no place to go and no reason to be in a hurry getting there; I remember investing banal settings with a mystical intensity: the light show on the tunnel to Terminal 2 at O’Hare was a magical rite of passage; a nearby swimming hole an act of making peace with philistine normality. I wish I could offer sage advice. For me it was inner readiness to hit bottom that opened up a hatch to climb out. Thanks for a text that made me see my own life more clearly. That’s what good literature does.
It's funny. You published this ten days before I lost my son and grief shattered me into pieces. I came across it today, in the middle of one of those times when the grief hit me like no time has passed. I guess sometimes we get the bad kind of lucky and other people's art finds us when we need it to. Thanks again.
I’ve read this 3 separate times and it always haunts m. Like you’ve dug into my brain and figured out a way to explain it. I haven’t been formally diagnosed with PMDD, but am fearful (maybe relieved actually?) that I do have it. I relate to being a knitter, but man do I want to a-bomb my life sometimes. Last week leading up to my cycle I said aloud to friends at dance “the only things in my life I don’t want to quit are my marriage and tap dancing”. Then I remember I can’t only live for myself and I keep the needles working. Whhhhheeew thank you for this.
"If I’m going to look stupid, then I want it to be on my terms."
I want that on my headstone
Reminds me of something a depth psychologist once told me, a man in a very happy ~20-year marriage: "Oh, each week I break up with my partner-- in my mind, that is."
This was fucking epic, Dia.
Breathtaking. As someone who also struggles with PMDD I am all too familiar with the feeling of regularly wanting to burn one’s life to the ground or else find some way to escape it. It’s excruciating, and unfortunately for me birth control is the only way I can feel somewhat normal. I hate having to depend on it, but I am glad that it’s being talked about more, at least. Never even knew there was a specific diagnosis for why I felt this way until a year ago or so.
This line is staying with me: “I mean, how can the thing that keeps me from destroying my life be the same thing I’m craving when I dream of destruction?”
Thank you for this. 🤍
Four people in four years: brutal.
Kudos for the guts and courage to keep showing up.
Book recommendation:
Writers' Retreats: Literary Cabins, Creative Hideaways, and Favorite Writing Spaces of Iconic Authors https://a.co/d/0LASxhu
In thorns roses bloom.
I appreciated this text because I was once stranded for several years in a rural place with the feeling that my life options had all been played out. I was frustrated trying to get an academic book published so I could at last get a tenure track job. As a middle aged man in his early 40s, my life was seemingly incomparable, except that we can all see ourselves more clearly by looking for ourselves in others. I remember all the little paradoxes such as speeding tickets bc I had no place to go and no reason to be in a hurry getting there; I remember investing banal settings with a mystical intensity: the light show on the tunnel to Terminal 2 at O’Hare was a magical rite of passage; a nearby swimming hole an act of making peace with philistine normality. I wish I could offer sage advice. For me it was inner readiness to hit bottom that opened up a hatch to climb out. Thanks for a text that made me see my own life more clearly. That’s what good literature does.
Thanks for making me feel seen today.
It's funny. You published this ten days before I lost my son and grief shattered me into pieces. I came across it today, in the middle of one of those times when the grief hit me like no time has passed. I guess sometimes we get the bad kind of lucky and other people's art finds us when we need it to. Thanks again.
If you want to know what it looks like to purposely bomb your life. Read my stories. Start with gutter boss.
It will solve all the mystery. Then you can make a more informed decision ;)
I’ve read this 3 separate times and it always haunts m. Like you’ve dug into my brain and figured out a way to explain it. I haven’t been formally diagnosed with PMDD, but am fearful (maybe relieved actually?) that I do have it. I relate to being a knitter, but man do I want to a-bomb my life sometimes. Last week leading up to my cycle I said aloud to friends at dance “the only things in my life I don’t want to quit are my marriage and tap dancing”. Then I remember I can’t only live for myself and I keep the needles working. Whhhhheeew thank you for this.
Love this piece so much, Dia