Eating: One of the last remaining Pepperidge Farm soft chocolate chunk cookies from this month’s PMS.
Drinking: Chateau Bonnet 2016 Bordeaux—one of those bottles we come back to a lot. Do you ever read wine reviews and just shrink in inferiority at someone’s ability to taste oak, or tobacco, or baking spices (??) in what you’d best describe as “red?”
Excited for: I can’t believe I’m admitting this but… cooler weather. Fuck, I said it. I can’t take it back. I want to comfortably wear pants and all of my beautiful jackets! I want to sleep in a bedroom that’s naturally chilly, not feel my nose get stuffy under the forced air! Today I got a pumpkin spiced latte just to feel a VIBE. I want to VIBE.
Feeling: Heavy. This Friday marks three years since my sister’s passing. I’ve had a headache for days and when I finally broke down crying at 1 AM, the tension release felt like she personally loosened a band from around my skull. I don’t write a lot about grief because it tends to cheapen the deepest experience of my life. Writing is already such a love/hate pursuit, full of dispiriting self-criticism, so I avoid eliciting some ego response to cherished stories about lost loved ones. There’s a chance you’ll read something later in the week. But it’s likely I’ll take the day to hold myself in solace.
Thinking: Speaking of writing and all its cliché anguish, the last week or so I actually thought about quitting. Quitting writing, speaking/learning Italian, posting on social media, freelancing, etc. I had this moment of wanting total extrication from anything beyond my 9-5 because the responsibility to produce and be good felt unbearable. I am humbled by the privilege of even a tiny audience validating my art; the disposable income to learn languages; a decent network of people who think of me when someone needs a copywriter. But privilege doesn’t negate pressure. I think a lot about people who only do a couple things very well. Narrow focus must promote precision. When will I experience that? When will I not have to supplement my income and spread myself thin? I hope I don’t give up this nebulous dream of “being a writer.” I appreciate you sticking around through the doubt.
Grateful for: Spontaneous days in nature. Today I drove three hours just to lounge in the countryside with Rachel. Her mom has chickens, too, which only completes the escape from the city. I think urban dwellers underestimate how good true, sprawling nature is for the soul. Everyone’s always like WhY aM i sO sTrEsSeD? and it’s like, have you touched grass in the last month?
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Just breathe. Today and tomorrow and any days after that. Do nothing. Something. Just breathe. Everyday does not have to be an instance of doing. Somedays are just made to breathe.