Quote of the Week: “I have never known anyone besides my parents to choose words with as much precision as Jerry. He calls a paragraph “oaf-ish” and another “prose-proud” and another “late-at-night.” He speaks of my absence as my “not-here-ness.” He makes wonderful, small distinctions between one word and another. He loves “permanence,” not “petrification.” He loves “wholeness,” “lastingness.” He doesn’t simply think, he has “grave ruminations,” “grey thoughts,” “elegiac affection,” “nice Jewish considerations,” “little big worries.” He writes with a kind of excitement and pleasure some people would reserve for speaking of a person’s hair, or eyes, or body, about the choices of words I have made in my letters to him. He tends to develop an enduring affection for the things I say.”— Joyce Maynard, At Home in the World, engraved proof that it really is all in the words.
Wearing: These KOTN zip flare leggings that E.M. Ricchini recommended in her Substack post on everyday basics. They might be my new favorite pants. And yes, I got the aggressive shoulder pad tunic to match.
Feeling: Tired. I’m writing this to you at 11:30 PM on little sleep. I woke up at 4:30 AM from a nightmare about Andrew leaving me and couldn’t fall back asleep. Really, it was my own fault, though; I went down the 8/8 Lion’s Gate Portal rabbit hole and started learning about this powerful astrological moment and its history. Eventually I ate a couple dates and went for a 6-mile run and had a day of strong spiritual messages. One moment in the shower was particularly clarifying—I realized that in my relationships, when my needs aren’t being met, I feel infantilized. This childlike thirst for the validation I’m not getting arises, and I regress back from the fully integrated, intuitive, self-assured person I am into this weak, disoriented, insecure little girl. Where I’d normally shame myself for slipping into that state, I know now it’s a fair and natural response. Expressing needs should be empowering; identifying emotions alone is hard work that comes from a place of integrated self, and the people who love you should want to at least meet you in the middle. When that doesn’t happen for me, I find myself in abandoned baby form.
Loving: This video compilation of people saying Rihanna smells like heaven. I love this so much. I love it even more that she shared it with a cocky, nonchalant “just sayin.” Our only worthy billionaire doused in a sweet gourmand.
This Week’s Plans: As I stated in a recent drip, ‘tis the year of healing and abandoning my “ignorance is bliss” approach to medicine. So Thursday I have a pap smear. This will be my first in a few years, and I’ll be addressing some ongoing pain. Most of you know that my sister died in 2018 at 30 of advanced cervical cancer (3 years on 8/27 </3), so the whole experience and uncertainty is beyond triggering. Please send out good energy, prayers, etc.
Working on: I’m finally publishing my piece on aesthetic/cosmetic procedures (i.e. filler and Botox). I started this piece in April after a whirlwind appointment and couldn’t bring myself to finish. It’s mostly storytelling which I love, but it examines some uncomfortable, paradoxical emotions that I don’t want to mince. I hope you will read it without judgement. Really channel your inner himbo (heart big, head empty). Beauty is so individual, it’s just not even worth having an opinion on anyone’s philosophies but your own anyway, amiright?
Listening to: I’m back on my queen of dark electronic, Rezz. It’s “Sacrificial” and “Taste of You” on heavy rotation. I’ve seen Rezz a few times and it’s been fun listening to her style evolve, despite moving toward something vastly more commercial.
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