Listening to: I just went “Down And Out” by Cam’ron ft. Kanye b2b “Wastelands and Oases” by Avalon Emerson which is a fair representation of my taste. Anything Dipset awakens my senses like a big, sinus-opening, eye-burning blob of wasabi. And then I just love experimental electronic music, so…
Check out Avalon Emerson’s BBC Radio 1 Residency.
Just Read: This piece from Default Friend on “The coming wave of sex negativity.” I’ve seen this thought swirling around the internet for a while and the case is solidifying. As a relatively sex positive, pro-sex work person, I do think certain aspects of sex positivity and the blind romanticization of sex work are reductive and misguided, and change is imminent.
Thinking: About personality tests. Along my continued search for meaningful work that invites both change and stability, I was asked to take two personality tests, the Kolbe and DISC assessments. The Kolbe Index centers on behavioral instinct—how we make decisions or take action in the creative problem solving process when we’re free to be ourselves. The DISC assessment is all about connection—how we connect with colleagues whose priorities and preferences differ from ours (aka our inclination to be affable and apolitical and all that makes a good office veneer). My results from both tests didn’t really surprise me: I’m a people pleaser with a need for harmony; I prioritize warmth and empathy; I dislike rapid and unpredictable change; I’m extremely comprehensive and precise in delivering information and completing projects; I’m someone who maintains the flow of the workplace more than innovates. Etc.
I’ve always loved the cultural obsession with personality tests, like Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, or even astrological birth charting. There’s an endearing level of childlike narcissism in wanting to understand ourselves—in wanting some faceless, unbiased source to confirm all of our suspicions about who we are, and to bring new information to light. For example, I never gauged just how melancholy and self-indulgent I can be until I read the description of my Enneagram Type 4 and felt shockingly seen:
“Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately.”
“Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem. They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations. “
“The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world. “
Does this sound like you, oh, brooding artist? Oh, grave soul? Perhaps you should take the Enneagram. Actually, don’t. The fact that you haven’t codified your idiosyncrasies into a uniform, AI-generated personality type is hot.
Feeling: Tired and achy after the double whammy vaccine booster/flu shot yesterday evening. I feel better than I’d expected, but most of this day has been a wash.
Exhaustion makes my brain uninhabitable when I’m stuck at home to stew. Today I had a tiny panic attack about the ways I feel dominated by various people and forces in my life. (See aforementioned people pleaser reference.) Lately I’ve been biting my tongue when things bother me, which feels like choosing peace in the moment, but later manifests regretfully as all the things I wish I’d said. I keep asking myself, have I become passive with age? Do my relationships not deserve clear, honest communication? Am I weak for what I tolerate? Between friends, family, and work, we are nonstop accommodating an impossible mix of needs and sensitivities, personalities and differences. It’s only natural to buckle under that weight sometimes. I’ve long been prone to relationships in which I’m made to feel small and controlled. Now I’m looking inward to decide what’s worth speaking up about (in a compassionate, respectful way), and what warrants a deep breath and a deleted text.
Excited for: So… you already know a podcast is in the works for the new year. But I’m also working on turning my old website (brokebutmoisturized dot com) into a landing page where folks can ask questions anonymously for an advice column! I’ve been toying with the idea of an advice column forever and after reading Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things, I finally feel inspired enough to pull the trigger. Yesterday I ran a poll on my Instagram story asking what everyone’s doing to keep the existential dread at bay, which weirdly allowed me to connect with people in moments of vulnerability. It just reaffirmed how much I love being a listening ear and helping others make sense of complex feelings, even in a quick one-line response that generates little more than laughter. Rest assured my advice column will be more thoughtful (and fully self-aware that I am unqualified to give advice… but tbh who is, anyway?).
Loving: Today’s spontaneous photoshoot with my friends Gianna and Mark, who run moderndaydreams studio. I needed a couple photos on the spot, and these came out great thanks to Gianna’s eye and their enviable assortment of art, furniture, and shoes to play with (and this Norma Kamali dress I snagged on hella sale the other week that fits like a glove).
My most memorable online test results were from an ancient “What Religion Are You?” test that estimated I was a Quaker. 😌