Quote of the Week: “Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.”― James Baldwin
A recurring ache in my writing is that I’ve never felt a true sense of home. I convince myself I’m flawed if everywhere can feel so painfully temporary, like I can’t lay down roots without them being excavated for some phony luxury apartment complex. Last week I wrote that California tends to trick me. Her dry heat and palm trees lure me down hidden alleys to Mexican mirages where barbacoa juice runs down my chin and for a split second, I think I might just like cilantro. But last week’s trip was different (that barbacoa thing did happen, though). Maybe I was just so in the moment with my friends, laughing and dancing and wine-tasting, that for once, I didn’t feel compelled to risk it all for an endless western summer (though I could spend an extra month with my girls anywhere). I like to think this is a good sign—that maybe I’m finding inner peace and my days of longing for elsewhere are dwindling. I’ll report back this week with a Cali recap, which might inspire you to get your own friend trip on the books.
Drinking: A lime bubly brand seltzer.
Listening to: the other podcast by Sellers Grantham—a two-part storytelling of her experience as “the other woman” to a married man. I first discovered Sellers on social media years ago through her ties to Erika Bearman whom I used to worship in my fashion fantasy days. Sellers writes with this elemental rawness that makes me want to have sweaty sex in the bed of an old truck. Don’t ask… just read… and listen.
Feeling: Hopeful! The past two days I’ve been busy with a couple exciting things that I don’t want to jinx or spoil. Man, I long to be that person who’s like “mAkE mOvEs In SiLeNcE!” but I’m way more like “LIFE IS SHORT AND I’M GONNA TELL YOU THIS COOL THING I HAVE A 3% CHANCE OF DOING/GETTING AND I HOPE YOU’LL SHARE YOURS WITH ME, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!” I’m just a max volume kind of girl. I’m also finally getting the second round of the vaccine tomorrow; I’m very nervous after getting the first while unknowingly having COVID and being down bad for two weeks with lingering effects so… here’s to hope.
Grateful for: The fact that my nails are bare, pretty, and mostly the same length right now. Is this a meaningless observation of vanity? I guess it depends who you’re asking. I don’t subscribe to the “so what” fuckery around personal appearance; I genuinely want to know when the last time was that you expressed gratitude for something naturally beautiful about you. Take stock of it all while you still can.
Thinking: Daunte Wright should be alive. I hope you’re thinking this, too.
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