Conversations in Kink: Four of my IG followers detail their sex lives
I called for anonymous submissions of fetish, fantasy, and kink. Here are the results.
Three years ago, I was at the office working on a grant when I received a most riveting Instagram DM. A private profile that looked real enough asked me if I’d ever engaged in “findom.” Clueless, I jumped on Reddit for a crash course in financial domination: a dominance/submission fetish in which submissives, commonly called “paypigs” and “moneyslaves,” invite a domme to control their finances, i.e. they get off on sending gifts and money, often in exchange for degradation.
My first reaction was to politely decline. Though this was long before the Invasion of the Sugar Daddy Bots, I felt too weird to proceed, like the spawn of capitalism and patriarchy approached me with a roofied beer. Why would a stranger want to give me their money? Was this secretly someone I knew? (A bitter ex trapping me into illegal activity? A quiet hater from high school testing my integrity for blackmail?) These are the anxious thoughts of someone who can barely accept a beer from a friend without Venmoing them, and who was (and still is) painfully ignorant of kink. How could I possibly call a stranger a “fucking loser” (his request) and get paid for it?
Still, a hint of curiosity lingered the way it tends to when we find ourselves overly pious in a moral dilemma. I was wearing myself down working full-time and bartending on the side. It was going to please him to give me money. Why the prude ass guilt? I jokingly played along for a few messages and soon enough, little payments started hitting my PayPal. I cut the cord within a day. (In retrospect, I should have milked that.)
A reader recently wrote to me in request of a piece on fetish. I was admittedly intimidated knowing this topic is delicate. People spend their entire lives researching and practicing taboo eroticism. Full communities exist for those on the sexual fringes to indulge their preferences safely, free of judgement. What could this newsletter add to the discourse?
I thought about all the people out there who might not know the history and nuances of kink, but who carry the private burden of their own through entire marriages until one day, they crack under the weight, and throw 15 years down the drain for one measly golden shower. Their stories matter. This is not some piece of investigative journalism or research, so take it for what it is: real people’s real desires who answered a call for anonymous submissions over Instagram. And while I can’t feature everyone and I’m bummed by the lack of queer representation, I’m happy to have cracked the door open for future conversations. Names are redacted and words are fully theirs, save for small grammatical + tightening edits. Enjoy.
If you enjoy these interviews and appreciate the care that goes into this newsletter, I hope you’ll consider supporting the paid version for full access. Your subscriptions empower my independent writing journey.
Chase*, 30, NYC, He/Him
ISO an open mind and a mean head game in the greater New York area… even if it means Craigslist
Sexual orientation: I’d say heteroflexible. No romantic interest in men but down to experiment sexually, mostly orally.
Relationship status: Single
Fetish/kink/fantasy: Hotwife; Pegging; MMF threesomes
Describe the experience that brought your kink to light (it doesn’t necessarily have to be singular or defined, just a story about how you learned this about yourself):
I was interning in a large city during college pre-tinder days and actually met a guy on Craigslist and got head [from a man] for the first time, and that is what opened my perspective on broadening my sexual horizons.
How do you indulge your kink?: I have a few friends who are girls who are also very sex positive who I talk to often and occasionally “play” with when we can get together.
I’ve been on the app Feeld for almost 2 years and have learned a lot and met some really cool people on there as well.
Describe how your kink fits into your romantic life (e.g. If you’re single, do you want a partner who can indulge it? If you’re in a relationship, does your partner know and/or participate?): I think being kinky and sex positive can make a relationship even more amazing, or it can put a wrench in things. It’s hard to open up about your kinks with someone you’ve just met, but it’s also not ideal to share your kinks with someone a year or two into the relationship and it ends up being a deal-breaker.
If you are unsure if you’re partner is open to being more kinky in bed, maybe try something semi-kinky in the heat of the moment and see how they respond, e.g. gently choke the sides of their neck, or spit in their mouth (although this may not be for everyone lol).
I’ve been in 2 long term relationships in my life and one of them involved much kinkier adventurous sex. Needless to say I think about the girl who I had the kinky sex with much more often.
Describe how your kink makes you feel:
It makes me feel turned on, alive, open-minded, and a little nervous/embarrassed that people from home would find out. But in a weird way, it makes it more fun knowing it’s “taboo” or “wrong” for lack of a better term.
What would you tell someone who’s exploring their own kinks?:
I’d say go for it, depending on your age you’ve been having vanilla sex for 10, 15, 20 years. Why not try something new? Most people I’ve come across in the sex positive community are very respectful of peoples privacy, very big on verbal consent and constant communication.
Jared*, 30, Ohio, He/Him
Soulmate vs Solemate: A married man navigates his foot fetish and some light anal fisting
Sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Fetish/kink/fantasy: Feet; Pegging/Anal play/Anal fisting
My fantasy would be to actually be more of a sub in the bedroom. Starting off with worshipping my partners feet with kissing, licking, sucking and rubbing her feet as foreplay, progressing to my partner pegging me, and then her using her hand to fist me to climax.
Describe the experience that brought your kink to light (it doesn’t necessarily have to be singular or defined, just a story about how you learned this about yourself):
I can always remember having an attraction towards feet, but in the last 5 years or so have really embraced it as a fetish and explored it as a sexual fantasy.
I started experimenting with anal play when I was going through puberty. The curiosity of sticking a finger up my butt was always there, so when I discovered it could make me orgasm very hard and multiple times I continued to explore it. I continued this exploration with different objects and dildos and toys throughout the years.
How do you indulge your kink?:
During intercourse or as foreplay I will rub, kiss, lick my partners feet. I have found the sight and feel of them definitely increase my orgasms and have also found I can climax by just kissing or touching them. For me the soles of a woman's feet are as sexually appealing as her breasts or ass.
When I was in college, I would buy dildos and toys to experiment with, and found that I really enjoyed the sensation of being penetrated and also stretched with large toys/objects. This led me to explore with larger toys and eventually experiment with the act of using my hand to fist and wanting to eventually be fisted by someone else.
Describe how your kink fits into your romantic life (e.g. If you’re single, do you want a partner who can indulge it? If you’re in a relationship, does your partner know and/or participate?):
My partner does allow me to indulge in my fetishes. She will allow me to kiss and touch her feet during sex or as foreplay. Even though it does not really do anything for her, she does play along for my sake.
We are still exploring anal play. It does take some warming up to explain to someone what I am actually into without creating a sense of feeling “weird” in their eyes. We have started with a finger during a blowjob or a couple fingers inserted with masturbation, but haven’t worked up to actually pegging or fisting.
Describe how your kink makes you feel:
Sometimes I feel a sense of being alone with my fetishes. In a day and age when sexuality and gender are so celebrated and open, I wish the same for fetishes, but they seem to carry a sense of taboo and shame for having one or multiple. Talking about them helps me feel more “normal“ about having them even though I do keep them a secret for the most part. I feel like if more people were open about their fetishes, then people would be much more open to explore their sexual desires/fantasies.
There is such a stigma that goes along with men wanting things in their ass and I wish that barrier would just be broken down. I believe more men would speak freely about it and it wouldn’t have to be this shameful secret.
If we’re not being adventurous and exploring our sexual desires, are we really doing our sex life justice?
What would you tell someone who’s exploring their own kinks?:
Don’t be ashamed or shy when it comes to exploring. If you have a fetish or kink then you should explore it. Whether it is with yourself or your partner. It may seem like an impossible wall to overcome to open up to your partner about your fetish/fantasy, but I’ve learned in any good relationship they will not judge you and will be willing to explore with you. And that may be an entirely new flame in your sex life with your partner that you never knew existed.
Kara*, 24, Philadelphia, She/Her
Yes, Daddy: A young girl in the city submits to a divorcé in the burbs for an exploratory arrangement
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Relationship status: Open relationship + dating
Fetish/kink/fantasy: BDSM, specifically being the submissive in a Dominant/submissive relationship.
Describe the experience that brought your kink to light (it doesn’t necessarily have to be singular or defined, just a story about how you learned this about yourself):
I discovered BDSM through porn. When you first start watching porn, I feel like you simply click on one of the videos on the homepage and go from there. There's no rhyme or reason, you're not sure what you like, all of it's intriguing and a little new. Over time, you discover different situations or scenarios that excite you more than others. For me, that was BDSM-related videos. I started seeking out BDSM in video, audio, and written porn. By doing that, I learned what about BDSM I liked, so I could begin to bring it into my own sex life.
How do you indulge your kink?:
At first I only experienced this kink via porn, specifically audio porn. Now, I continue indulging via porn and with romantic partners.
I am a submissive in my relationship. While my partner was already experienced, I was not, so we started out slowly and eased into more intense types of play. (This is the safest way to do it - you shouldn't jump into anything full force before you're both comfortable.) I'm not sure how detailed to be, but in the bedroom we enjoy wrist restraints, blindfolds, orgasm control/denial, punishments/"fun"ishments, and more. I would be "punished" for things like being late to meet him, being bratty, or orgasming without permission. Punishments would include things like spanking, orgasm denial, or forced orgasms.
He is dominant and I am submissive in subtle non-sexual ways as well. For example, he pays for my New York Times subscription and has me keep up with the news every day so I continue to be informed. He buys me books I want to read as he prefers reading to television to keep the mind sharp. When I stay over, he has me wake up at 6:30am with him to have coffee and read before work. He empowers me to be successful in my career, and offers advice and mentorship when I need it.
Of course, everything we do was discussed in detail before we began this dynamic. We listed out things we wanted to do/were comfortable with, things we were interested in exploring, and hard limits. We also established various safe words. Yellow means that we're getting close to something we're not as comfortable with but we want to explore it so proceed with caution. Red means we've hit a boundary and to stop whatever the action was, but it doesn't stop the sex/play it only stops the thing that triggered Red. Black means to stop all sex/play immediately, put robes on, go immediately into aftercare and discuss what we didn't like. We also have a non-verbal safeword of tapping someone's thigh three times (this comes in handy for times when you're not in a position to be able to speak, i.e. oral sex).
Describe how your kink fits into your romantic life (e.g. If you’re single, do you want a partner who can indulge it? If you’re in a relationship, does your partner know and/or participate?):
I've been in a Dominant/submissive relationship or dynamic since May of 2020 - it is my first D/s dynamic. I call him Daddy or Sir. He is quite older than me and divorced with two kids. We met at a grocery store in the suburbs, exchanged numbers, and a week later he invited me to his house for drinks. (Looking back it could have been very stupid to go to a strangers house, especially since I didn't tell any of my friends I was going.) On our first date we began discussing past relationships which segued into sex. In this conversation, we both revealed our kinks and lucky for us they turned out to be mutual. This was the first time I had ever divulged my kinks to someone else, and I only did so since he shared first.
He was an experienced Dom, but my experience had only been via porn at this point. On our first date he gave me a mental list of things to think about, questions to answer, questions to ask, etc. and our second date is when we outlined what the nature of the dynamic would be.
Months later, we're content experiencing the joys of our dynamic, exploring our fantasies in a safe and trusting way with each other. I do continue to date men closer to my age in the city. He's very understanding of this as we know our situation won't be a forever-relationship.
If I were to meet someone I want to date seriously, I would stop seeing my Dom in order to pursue it. Again, he is supportive of this and understands he can't be a long-term figure in my life (nor can I fit into his long-term).
I'd like to think that I'd feel confident enough to share my kink with a new partner, but I know that's not true. It will probably take me some time to build comfort with someone and try to gauge what they're interested in before I tell them. I think a lot of men inherently enjoy being dominant in bed so even if a new partner and I aren't exploring a D/s lifestyle, I still get to experience some of their dominance during sex. Almost like a dominant-lite lol.
I know that for the long-term, I should probably find a partner who shares this same kink. I know in my "vanilla" relationships I've always felt unsatisfied with sex, so I'd hate to imagine a life of feeling unsatisfied in bed.
Describe how your kink makes you feel:
At first I was definitely embarrassed by having a kink. It wasn't until I entered my D/s relationship that I told people of this interest. I think some of them probably judged at first, but that comes from a place of lack of understanding. Despite 50 Shades of Grey being an inaccurate (and at times, unhealthy) portrayal of BDSM, I do think it created more of a mass acceptance of this kink.
For me, I tend to be in my head a lot. I overthink everything. So when I'm indulging my kink, I feel empowered, carefree, and comforted. I get to tune out my thoughts, give up control, shut the rest of the world out and just focus on mine and his pleasure.
What would you tell someone who’s exploring their own kinks?:
I'd tell them to research it thoroughly so they can start to incorporate it into your sex life in a safe way. There's so much to learn about the community that you can't learn through porn. Having a D/s relationship isn't just about one person dominating and controlling the other person in the bedroom through rough sex. There's so much more involved that you must learn about. For example, the importance of aftercare, safewords, honorifics, and boundaries.
Some other helpful resources are sex therapists that have established platforms on podcasts/Instagram/TikTok, etc. They help break down sex and kinks in a healthy and educational way. One well-known is Sex With Emily, but I know there are others out there. These destigmatize kinks, help you feel more comfortable, and help you learn how to incorporate it into your sex life.
Karim*, 30, Miami, He/Him
No performance anxiety here...
Sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: In a relationship
Fetish/kink/fantasy: Public sex; Same room; Being filmed
Describe the experience that brought your kink to light (it doesn’t necessarily have to be singular or defined, just a story about how you learned this about yourself):
I went to a swingers/nude hotel with a girl I used to fuck and had the best sex of my life. All these different sex rooms, chairs, beds, swings, on the pool, in the pool and we had our hotel room glass open, so everyone can watch! It was super exciting. I also love showing off my sex videos (with consent) and watching others’.
How do you indulge your kink?: Not as much as I would like to. I feel like it’s different doing this stuff with someone who you actually love. I’m scared doing shit like that with my gf would weird me out or make me uncomfortable.
Describe how your kink fits into your romantic life (e.g. If you’re single, do you want a partner who can indulge it? If you’re in a relationship, does your partner know and/or participate?):
My girlfriend knows I’m into this stuff. We’ve talked about it plenty in the past. We were even considering starting an OnlyFans or an anonymous Twitter profile to share our videos. We even talked about going to swingers’ clubs to see what it’s like. We still haven’t explored all that yet. Low key nervous!
Describe how your kink makes you feel: It makes me feel like sex is such a beautiful thing, that it’s okay to share with other people.
What would you tell someone who’s exploring their own kinks?: If you have a partner, speak to them about it. I was always open with stuff like that with most girls I’ve been with. You have to at least try your kink/fetish at least once.
I had a few more wonderful submissions, like a 37-year-old married guy who was a member of Chemistry NYC, whose parties taught him he gets off being watched while masturbating and performing oral. His story was one of true evolution beginning in college, noting feelings of appreciation, masculinity, and validation. Lots of folks wrote in about pegging. One of my favorite readers, a 31-year-old straight guy based in Sydney, Australia, committed to a year of intentional celibacy to quiet the major role kink played in his dating life.
For all the acts that excite us in bed, how much lies dormant in our brains and browsing histories, never feeling the warmth of another body? Studies show Americans are having less sex now than they have in the last 20 years. This decline was being steadily reported pre-COVID (yes, I read this lengthy Atlantic piece in 2018). Perhaps if we stop empty dating app sexting, chill on porn, and start discussing sex in a meaningful, open way, like these strangers so kindly did, we can come out of the recession big dick swingin’, ready for intimacy when the masks come off.